So it's been forever since I've updated.. yeah.

So much has been going on.. Caleb and Mallory are back together.  I would go into all the stuff she put him through, but I am just too tired.  Which is totally ridiculous because I've been sitting around doing nothing all day.  Annoying, but true.  But yeah.

I'm off for Christmas break!  Or, as the "politically correct" call it, "winter break."  Please.  You know, the country was founded on Christian principles, so why can't they just leave it alone?  What would happen if George Washington saw what the country has become?  I doubt if he would be thrilled.  But that's a rant I really don't want to go into.

So what else has been going on?  Hmm.. well, Ally has a new "crush" lol on her next-door neighbor.  And I like this guy Andrew that I made a myspace for.  Sad but true.  I really thought I could be above all that junk, but I don't know.. he just looks so much like the guy in my dreams.  Acts like him, too.  And he's so committed to the Lord.. but I didn't want this to become an entry all about Andrew.

I went to the beach last weekend with Stacey!  It was sooo much fun.  Everyone I told was like, what?  You went to the beach?  In the WINTER!  LOL but it was a lot of fun.  We went down there and got an oceanside room with a private balcony so Stacey and I woke up at 5:42 to watch the sunrise, although it was kind of cloudy because we had a call for snow so it just got lighter, instead of actually seeing the sun.  It was soo much fun though lol.

But not everything has been fun lately.  My friend in Oceanography is pregnant.  I thought for like 2 weeks that she was going to have an abortion, but she isn't, thank goodness.  My friend Ashley's sister was raped 2 weeks ago.  She said she was going for a walk, but she really went to see this guy from the Internet, and they found her like 10 hours later behind the truck stop.  She says she was raped, but she's a little wierd in the head, and she wouldn't let her dad call the police, so Stacey and I are wondering if she was telling the truth.  We don't say anything around Ashley though, because we know Ashley wouldn't lie.  But Ashley's dogs were taken away from her this morning.  She called me asking if she could come over and I was like, I'm so sorry, but my parents aren't home.  She understood and we talked for like an hour until she had to get off the phone to comfort her baby brother.  Ashley is such a sweet girl, but she has such a hard life.  She's kind of overweight, and so she gets picked on a lot, and this morning she sent out this email to her 4 best friends:

hey every, i just wanted to say thank you for being a friend! when i'm not around you, i feel empty, depressed, unloved,unwanted,...ect..seriously... i get picked on alot, i come home and cry just about everyday, and i always think about what would those moronic people do with out me here? but thanks to you, i'm alive... today, i saw someone from school at wal*mart, and they said they said some really bad things to me, so i went home and i cut myself... i don'y know if you know this orn ot, but a few years ago i use to cut myself, and i promissed myself it would never happen again...but it did. but the second after i did it, i thought about you, and what i would put you through, how you would feel loosing a friend. i lost my best friend when i was younger because her brother got mixed up in the wrong group of people, so one night they were going to kill him, but his sister katline was waling back from my house & tried to srop them, and she was shot. i felt was livning in hell when that heppened... i can't how many times i tried to kill myself. but thanks to God, i made it through. I'm not trying to get all "religious" on you, i'm just telling you why i'm here today. but you see, when i'm close to my friends, people think of me as the fat ugly poor girl, but when i'm arounf you, i'm happy to be me. i'm tired of living a double life, being all happy around one group of people, and depressed around another group of people. and i know i've heart some of ya'll before, and i'm sooo sorry PLEASE forgive me. and all ya'll are my heros... literally. if i didn't know you, i could be dead right now. and emily, i don't know if you realize it or not, but in 7th grade, you were my only friend, no one wanted to accept me, but you did, and one day an annon.. person told me i should just go home and kill myself, and i almost did, but then i thought about you, and i just couldn't do it. emily you are probally my best friend next to Jesus, you've been the wind beneath my wing, the best friend anyone could ask for... and I love ya girl, i know i pick on you alot, but it's cuz i love ya..... and stacey, you've just always listened to me and been there, and i hope we'll always be friends, and i'm sorry i ditch you for the freshmen, i promise i'll come & visit ya at lunch more often. and everyone else, you've just looked past what people see on the outside and seen who i truly am...thank you, you are the coolest people i know and i love you soooo much.just pray for me right now, and if you don't believe in God, you REALLY need to, I don't want to live knowing that one of my friends is going to hell. just continue to live your life, and when it you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up.

Does anyone know what to say and how to act around someone who TOTALLY goes against everything you stand for?  How do you talk to them without being a total B and making them hate you?

Anyone know where I'm going with this?

Eric's gay.

OK, I kinda knew all along that he was kind of that way.  I mean, Caleb told me that he was bi, but I kinda didn't want to believe it because he had a girlfriend last year.  Then I look on his blog on myspace and he totally just out and out says he's gay.  Exact words: "I am gay."  Just peachy.  Now I have no choice but to believe it.

But it's a SIN!  He has a CHOICE to be gay!  I know a lot of people don't believe that, but it's true!  You ALWAYS have a choice.  God doesn't make f'in' JUNK!  AND HOMOSEXUALITY IS JUNK!

Not to say homosexuals are junk.  They're people, made in God's image, just like we are.  There is NO difference between them and us, save the fact that down the line we make different choices.  It could be a choice to be homosexual, or to murder someone, etc.  It doesn't matter.  They still started out the exact same as us.  God loves them the same, and He loves them as much.

But why do people DO that?  Why do they take a perfectly good life, a perfectly good person, and just ruin it?  I know that satan tempts them, and decieves them, and stuff like that.  That doesn't mean they have to BELIEVE it.  They could see the light if they just opened their eyes to God!

But they are NOT done.  I won't believe that there is no hope for them.  I often do, and I'm trying to change that.  They can still see the Light.  I won't give up on them until they die, and neither will the Lord.

But must go.  Caleb wants the comp.

Halloween.  Blah.

Tonight I'm going to work Harvest Fest at church.  Fun times.  It actually is really fun.  I'm scheduled to work... I don't know when at some game I don't know lol.  Looks like I kinda need to find out, huh?  LOL.

But I <3 Harvest Fest.  It's so awesome to just watch all the little kids.  Every once in a while there's a show put on by Contagious(our dance group), or some singer or rapper lol.  but yeah

Must go.  I am in here during lunch, and I really only wanted to check out a book lol.  Until!

So.

Mallory and Caleb are "taking a break," as Caleb puts it.  Want to know how I found out?  Well, I noticed that Mallory was feeling down, so I made a comment about how Caleb doesn't want to talk to me, he wants to talk to her.  Usually, stuff like that makes her feel better.  Usually she laughs and makes a comment back to me.  Usually.  Today... not usual.  She looked a Caleb and told him something under her breath, then Caleb leaned over and told me to not make a big deal out of it, but he and Mallory were taking a break and that they were going to get back together and blah blah blah.  OK.

Suddenly, a lot of stuff made sense.  Like how without saying a word, Mallory's cousin came over and gave her a hug first thing this morning.  And how no one said anything to Mallory or Caleb about their relationship, as they usually do(they make fun of them, in a nice way).  And why Mallory didn't call this morning.  So yeah.  EVERYONE else knew except me.  Want to know how that made me feel?  Check the title of this page.

Yeah, and Caleb had PLENTY of opportunities to tell me, too.  Like, he could've mentioned it to me on the ride to school.  Something like, "Hey Emily, don't say anything to Mallory, ok?  We're taking a break; but don't worry, we'll get back together."  That would've been nice.  But obviously I'm not good enough to be nice to, or even considerate to.  After all, Mallory is my captain.  It would've been nice to not have to be the last one on the squad to know.  I mean, considering my parents know, and Mallory's family knows, and all of their friends know, it would've been a little nicer to find out from my BROTHER, half of the RELATIONSHIP, instead of from, say, Spencer on the Colorguard.  Nice looking out Caleb.

And yes, anyone who reads this, I know this is selfish and stupid and that Caleb deosn't have to tell me everything.  My friends have already informed me of this, so I don't need anyone else to, thank you.

Ok, now I can talk.  LOL.

So about the last entry... the dream I was talking about was the dream God gave me last summer or something about my husband proposing to me.  I won't go into all the symbolism of the dream, but at the end it showed me, him, Caleb, Mallory, my mom, and Mallory's mom in a yard at a picnic.  There were other people there, I felt them, but I only remember those 6.  So he grabbed my hand under the picnic table and slipped the ring on and I started crying because I was so happy and blah blah blah.  Later, Caleb, Mallory, him and I sat in a barn watching some Disney movie.  Caleb and Mallory were engaged or married or, as my mom would say, connected.  So that's where the dream stopped, and I woke up.  So I've always wondered, whose barn was it?  Why were we in the loft of the barn instead of inside?  Whose yard were we in?  Well, I still wonder most of those questions except whose house/yard/barn we were in.  It was Mallory's.  As I said last night, God opened my eyes so I could recognize the barn and the yard as Mallory's.

So I told my mom about all my dreams about my future husband(4, in all), and I asked her if she thought it was wrong for me to get these dreams when other people didn't.  She said no, that God is setting me up so that its not a surprise and so I know that He has my steps orchestrated.  I also told her about my dream to have a fairy tale kind of romance.  I always expected that I would not have anything like what I read in the Christian Romance books, like the Christy Miller series and the Glenbrooke series.  I always thought, well, that's nice for reading, but this is the real world.  Nothing is going to happen like that.  But then tonight it occured to me: God is orchestrating my fairy tale.  Only, instead of it being all drawn out in real life, with doubts and fears and thoughts of does he love me as much as I love him?, He is creating my own kind of romance and hope by using the gifts He has given me.  I never knew God was so creative.  He is so amazing.  So completely amazing.

Hey all.

Has anyone ever noticed how I tend to punish myself for hurting people?  It's really sad.  Like today.  See, Caleb and I went to Mallory's last night to watch Batman Begins, and before that I asked my mom if it was ok because I didn't want her to feel bad because she just had surgery on Tuesday and I didn't want her to feel abandoned.  She said it was fine, so we went.  Well, right after we got out of our tiny town, the car started making wierdo noises.  Also, this one light lighted up and we didn't know what it meant.  So we pulled off into a driveway, but it was one of those long country driveways, at night, with no other houses around, so we went on because we didn't want to stay there(hey, 2 teenage kids stuck in the middle of nowhere with their car messing up?  Somehow, that doesn't say "safe" to me).  So we went on, both of us praying in our heads for the car to be good just long enough for us to get to Mallory's.  While we were praying, I got this thought in my head: I should go home to Mama.  Thinking that was just my conciounce(sp), I ignored it and we went on.  The car actually stopped being wierd and got us to Mallory's.  So we sat down and watched the movie, and then afterward Mallory and Caleb and I started talking about Marching Band.  I actually asked her to tell me if she thought I would make a good captain without trying to spare my feelings, and she said she thought I would because I am patient, but said I would have to toughen up, but that's beside the point.  My mom called then, and Caleb talked to her and when he got off the phone he said, "Emily, we need to go home now."  So we went, and when we got in the car Caleb said that Mama had said that she felt abandoned(she was drugged(pain meds), so her emotions were hightened, she told me later today).  So we got home and Mama didn't want to talk to us, so we both went to bed after making sure that she knew that we love her.  So I set my alarm for 5:30 so I could get up and make her breakfast in bed to apologize.  Of course, I overslept, idiot that I am.  So after school we called her again and asked her if she still felt bad, and she still did.  So I went out to the car, hysterical for making her feel bad, and actually started scraping my arm with my fingernails.  At first it was a punishment, but then I thought, you know, I know people who actually do this for real.  Do I really want to make a habit out of scraping myself?  So I stopped.  Then later as we were eating I decided not to eat.  At first I thought it was because I wasn't hungry, but then I realized that it was actually because I wanted to punish myself.  Sad.  But then we did a run through, which made me feel better because Mrs. P said that we are up to a Superior, the highest level.  So yeah.  Must go.  Dad wants the computer.  Until to anyone who reads this!

Well, that's just perfect.

I'm missing school again today.  Isn't that wonderful?  **cough cough NOT! cough cough**

I can't believe this!  First, this morning, both Caleb and I woke up late, but Caleb woke up first.  Instead of making sure I'm awake so I can get a ride with him(the bus was already gone) he waits until he is almost completely ready before he makes sure I'm up!  Of course, I'm not up, which is just fine with him.  He doesn't want to take me to school anyway.  So he leaves, on the pretense of "having something to do."  Well, I have stuff to do too Caleb.  And I think that getting a library book and returning all my others is just a little more important.  Can't you forfeit 3 minutes of time with your girlfriend so I can go to school with you?  Of course not.  Then my mom wouldn't take me because she had to get ready for work.  I couldn't blame her, though.  She really is an awesome mom, and she would have taken me had she had time.  It really was my fault.  She later told me that she would take me if I was ready in the next 3 minutes, but I was lazy and dawdled a little.  Then she said that since I was staying home that I had to quit color guard.  Of course, that made me REAL mad REAL fast.  She left, and I called her cell.  She told me that the only thing she thought would sink in is making me quit CG. So I made up a list of things I could do to show her that it was sunk in 1) clean the kitchen, (2) pick up and vaccuum the living room, (3) do laundry, and (4) whatever she or I or God thinks of.  So I've got to do that.  Waah, but it's better than quitting CG.  3 people have already quit. 

But my bird TALKS!!!  I didn't hear it, but my mom did.  She told me last night that Jasmine said something 3 times.  She couldn't tell what it was, but that's normal.  Awesome awesomeness!

Well, must go.  I just found out on BlackBoard(this online thing where you can check out your grades) that my current grade in Advanced English 10 is a 62.32 %!!!!  AHHH!!  That is SO not good.  But it's not really my fault, considering the entire grade so far is based on this play we just read, Antigone.  I wasn't there for most of the reading and classwork because of my schedule mix-up(No one gave me the paper with my schedule change on it until almost 2 weeks after school started.  I applied the first day of school).  So I'm not going to worry about it because we are starting to read this good book, Things Fall Apart, and I have already read it.  Plus I'm actually there for most of it, which will definitely help.  LOL.  But I did get a 96 on the Antigone Essay, which is really really good considering I didn't write about what we were supposed to because I didn't have the paper saying what we were supposed to write.  I wrote it on Fate vs. Choices, and the assignment was to write about a time that you felt you were a victim of fate.  So yeah.  Not the best, but it was still a really good paper.  I felt proud of it.

Well, must go.  Chores and whatnot.  Until!